Emotional neglect is an often-overlooked form of childhood adversity that can have profound and lasting effects, particularly for well-siblings in families where another child has special mental conditions or a chronic illness. These “well-siblings,” who are frequently overlooked or ignored, may experience emotional neglect that leads to significant trauma later in life. In this blog post, we will explore the concept of “emotional neglect trauma,” its effects on well siblings, and how to prevent it from occurring.
What is Emotional Neglect?
Emotional neglect occurs when a child’s emotional needs are consistently unmet by their caregivers. Unlike physical neglect, which involves the absence of basic needs like food and shelter, emotional neglect is more insidious and can be harder to detect. It involves the failure to respond adequately to a child’s emotional needs, such as offering comfort, attention, or validation.
Why Are Well-Siblings More Vulnerable?
Well-siblings in families with a special needs or chronically ill child are particularly vulnerable to emotional neglect. The parents’ focus often gravitates toward the child with greater immediate needs, leaving the well-sibling to fend for themselves emotionally. These siblings may be left feeling invisible, their emotional needs sidelined, leading to the development of emotional neglect trauma.
Understanding Trauma: What It Is and How It Affects One
Trauma is a psychological and emotional response to deeply distressing or disturbing events. While many associate trauma with significant, life-altering events, it can also result from chronic emotional neglect. When a child’s emotional needs are consistently ignored or dismissed, it creates a lingering sense of unworthiness and insecurity that can evolve into trauma.
Trauma is not just a single event; it can be an accumulation of smaller, persistent experiences, such as ongoing emotional neglect. This form of trauma can lead to lasting emotional and psychological difficulties, influencing how the individual views themselves and interacts with the world as they grow older.
Examples of Childhood Emotional Neglect
To better understand how emotional neglect can manifest in the lives of well-siblings, let’s look at some common examples:
Lack of Support During Emotional Stress
When a well-sibling experiences emotional distress, such as anxiety or sadness, and their parents fail to provide support or comfort, it reinforces a sense of loneliness and abandonment. Parents of well-siblings may respond to their child’s distress through impatience, are dismissive, and will not engage with their child in distress. Such behavior will lead the child to believe that they are inferior to their challenged sibling, and may serve as an initiation for trauma development.
Neglecting the Child’s Interests and Achievements
When a parent does not show interest in or celebrate a well-sibling’s hobbies, achievements, or milestones, the child may internalize a belief that their efforts and interests do not matter.
Parents may be relieved to learn that their child is occupied with a hobby or special interest, as this activity will eliminate the burden of entertaining children for caregivers. However, a child’s interests and achievements are part of their identity, thus ignoring the interests may imply that they do not matter as a person.
Once parents begin to support their children through their interests, children develop confidence and other skills, such as organization and problem solving.
Inconsistency in Meeting Emotional Needs
Parents may be emotionally available at times but inconsistent overall. This unpredictability can create anxiety and insecurity in the child, as they never know when they can rely on their parents for support.
Taking care of a child with mental conditions, disease, or disability is abundant with inconsistency. The special child may enter phases of severe hardship from time to time and then become serene for a while.
Parents need to adapt to these periods, and adherence to the special child’s intervals creates volatility in the care they provide for the other child.
This sense of unpredictability harbors lack of safety for children, which may disrupt their survival instinct and create trauma.
Separating the Child from Their Peers
Sometimes, well-siblings may be isolated from their peer group due to family circumstances or the parents’ demands. This separation can stunt social development and lead to feelings of alienation.
As much as parental attachment matters, children and especially adolescents need peer attachment. If this attachment does not exist, they will not develop socially and may become isolated adults.
How Emotional Neglect Manifests as Trauma in Well-Siblings
As well-siblings grow older, the emotional neglect they experienced can manifest as various forms of trauma. The long-term effects can be wide-ranging and deeply impactful:
Low Self-Esteem
Constant emotional neglect can lead to a profound sense of inadequacy and low self-worth, as the child grows up believing they are not worthy of attention or care. If this message is internalized, children will carry this load throughout their lives and constantly feel inferior in comparison to others.
Affection Alienation
Individuals who have experienced emotional neglect may struggle with receiving or expressing affection, finding it difficult to form close, loving relationships. Every relationship is based on trust and intimacy, and the absence of these elements prevents a meaningful relationship from flourishing. Well-siblings who have only experienced fragmented affection and broken relationships, may need extra help in developing genuine connection.
Feelings of Shame
A neglected child might internalize a sense of shame, feeling that there is something inherently wrong with them that made their parents ignore their needs. Chronic shame often leads to depression, and is often masked so well that the child does not recognize it. Masked shame can later turn into violence and aggression; therefore, it is best to be prevented.
Co-Dependency or People-Pleasing
We mentioned that traumatized children may face difficulty trusting others, but the other extreme can take place as well. In an attempt to gain the validation they never received from their parents, some well-siblings may become co-dependent or overly eager to please others, often at the expense of their own needs.
How to Be Emotionally Available for Well Children
Emotional neglect trauma has many layers to it, so it is not easily treated. As parents, it is best to stop the trauma from taking shape early on, as your well-child is still developing. Preventing emotional neglect starts with being consistently emotionally available to all your children. Here are some steps parents can take:
Prioritize Emotional Check-Ins:
Regularly check in with your well child about how they are feeling. Make these conversations a priority, ensuring they know their emotions are important to you.Validate Their Feelings:
Even if you are busy, take the time to acknowledge and validate your child’s feelings. Let them know that their emotions are legitimate and that you are there to support them.Celebrate Their Interests and Achievements:
Show genuine interest in your child’s hobbies, achievements, and milestones. Celebrate their successes and make them feel valued for who they are.Be Consistent:
Consistency in emotional availability is key. Ensure that your child knows they can rely on you for support whenever they need it.Encourage Social Connections:
Support your child’s social life by encouraging friendships and allowing them to spend time with their peers. A strong social network can provide additional emotional support.
Last Reminder
Emotional neglect trauma is a serious issue that can have lasting effects on well siblings. By recognizing the signs of emotional neglect and taking proactive steps to be emotionally available, parents can help prevent the development of trauma and ensure that all their children grow up feeling loved, valued, and secure.
Frequently Asked Questions
Well siblings in families with a special needs or chronically ill child are often overlooked because the parents’ attention is primarily focused on the child with greater immediate needs. This dynamic can leave the well sibling feeling emotionally neglected as their own needs are consistently deprioritized.
Yes, emotional neglect can cause trauma that persists into adulthood. This trauma may manifest as low self-esteem, difficulties with trust and affection, social isolation, feelings of shame, and mental health challenges such as depression or personality disorders.
Parents can avoid emotional neglect by being consistently emotionally available, validating their child’s feelings, celebrating their achievements, maintaining regular emotional check-ins, and supporting their child’s social connections. Ensuring that all children feel seen, heard, and valued is crucial.
If you recognize signs of emotional neglect in your parenting, it’s important to take immediate steps to change this dynamic. Start by having open conversations with your child about their feelings, make efforts to be more emotionally present, and seek family counseling if necessary to address any deep-rooted issues and rebuild a supportive relationship.