But this isn’t fair!
You have definitely heard this one, coming from a child stomping their feet.
Raising kids with different needs isn’t easy. Their worlds don’t always collide, and that can lead to frustration, for them and for you.
This is especially true for families who have a child with special needs, which calls for a balanced attention kept between them and their well-siblings.
So how do you keep things fair? How do you make sure one child isn’t overwhelmed while the other isn’t ignored? Setting clear boundaries can help both kids feel understood and comfortable in their own space.
This is how you do it.
Advocate for Personal Space
When kids share a home, their worlds inevitably overlap. But when one child is neurodivergent and the other is neurotypical, that overlap can sometimes cause stress.
Take Liz and her older sister, Jasmine. One weekend, they were playing at the park when Jasmine suddenly had an anxiety attack at the top of the slide. Their parents had to step in, other kids had to clear the area, and Liz was left feeling embarrassed. Moments like these affected her social life and made her feel like an outcast.
But it wasn’t just Liz who struggled daily. Jasmine also had routines that gave her a sense of stability. When Liz started staying late for school activities, it disrupted their usual family board game night, leaving Jasmine anxious and unsettled.
Space isn’t just physical, it’s emotional too.
While it’s important for siblings to bond, they also need time apart. Here’s how you can create a home that respects both of their needs:
1. Separate Spaces
If possible, give each child their own room or a designated space they can retreat to when they need alone time.
For shared rooms, use dividers, noise-canceling headphones, or scheduled quiet times.
2. Individual Schedules
Plan shared activities, but allow room for each child’s personal interests.
If one child thrives on routine, keep their schedule as predictable as possible while giving the other child more flexibility.
3. Respect Social Needs
Some neurodivergent kids struggle with noisy gatherings or get too excited during such occasions, while their neurotypical siblings might crave social time. Create separate playdates and outings to meet both needs.
Teach both children that it’s okay to say, “I need a break,” and encourage them to respect each other’s boundaries.
No Excuse for Abuse
Kids won’t always be calm and logical. They might lose their tempers, and that’s normal. But if it becomes routine, something needs to change.
Sometimes, the neurotypical sibling has better emotional control and social awareness. This can make it easy for them to tease or bully their neurodivergent sibling, sometimes without realizing it.
Pay attention to how they interact. Subtle jokes, exclusion, or dismissing their sibling’s feelings can cause real harm.
At the same time, aggression shouldn’t go unchecked. Many parents of autistic children report struggles with outbursts and physical aggression. While meltdowns are often not intentional, a neurotypical sibling shouldn’t have to deal with constant yelling, hitting, or intimidation.
What You Can Do:
- Pay attention to both children’s behavior and step in if you see mistreatment.
- Set clear rules about respect. No bullying, no aggression, no excuses.
- Give them tools to express frustration in safe ways.
Boundaries keep everyone safe. Neither child should feel afraid or disrespected in their own home.
Sharing Responsibilities Fairly
Even if one child is more responsible or capable, household tasks should not fall entirely on them. Every child, neurotypical or neurodivergent, should contribute in a way that makes sense for their abilities.
The neurotypical sibling shouldn’t feel like they’re doing all the work. If they are handling more tasks, acknowledge their effort and show appreciation.
For neurodivergent children, responsibilities should match their abilities. Many autistic children can handle chores just like any other child, but tasks should be manageable.
In Liz and Jasmine’s home, both have their roles. Jasmine makes her bed, sets the table, puts laundry in the laundry room, and waters the plants. Liz, on the other hand, puts groceries away and sweeps the floor. Each child contributes, making things feel fair and balanced.
Some Sibling Conflict Is Normal
Most siblings argue, tease, and annoy each other. It’s part of growing up together. Just because one child is neurodivergent doesn’t mean every disagreement is a serious issue.
It’s important to pay attention and step in when needed, but don’t assume every conflict is harmful. Sometimes, they’re just being siblings.
Keep an eye on their interactions, but don’t stress over every small argument. A little friction is natural.
Consider Family Therapy
If things at home start feeling too overwhelming, family therapy can help. It gives everyone a chance to talk, sort through issues, and learn better ways to handle conflicts before they turn into bigger problems. Therapy doesn’t have to be a last resort, it can be a regular way to keep things running smoothly.
Worried About Therapy Costs?
Private therapy can be expensive, but there are other options. Many schools offer free or low-cost counseling, which can give kids a space to talk about their feelings and work through challenges with a professional.
Another option is GLOWS, an app that helps kids process emotions in a fun and interactive way. With Glowria, the AI companion, kids can talk about their feelings, learn coping strategies, and get gentle support when they’re upset. It’s not the same as therapy, but it can be a great extra tool for kids who need someone to “talk” to when emotions get tough.
What About You?
Parenting is hard, and when you’re balancing the needs of both a neurotypical and a neurodivergent child, it can feel even harder. But here’s the truth: you can’t pour from an empty cup. If you don’t take care of yourself, you won’t have the energy or patience to take care of your children.
So make time for yourself. Rest. Step away when you need to. Ask for help. And most importantly, don’t feel guilty about it.
Your family needs you, but they need you to be okay too. So be kind to yourself. You’re doing the best you can, and that’s enough.